noise cancellation


I thought it'll all be sorted as time goes by,

I thought everything will gonna be okay when I grew up,

I thought I'll be that person i can be proud of.

How naive of me.


.....................


Loser. You're not enough. You're not a good one. 

How can I close my ears, when the voices echoed right in my head?


i don't wanna talk

 

came across this one video about social anxiety.

the lady in that video cried a lot when she talks about it. and i cried with her. 


Before this, I just brush this thing off. Rasa macam benda kecil. Tetapi setelah dicop sombong, tak suka bercampur dan sebagainya, now it is a big problem for me. As much as I want to blend in, I can't. Faham tak perasaan yang kau duduk kat tengah-tengah manusia yang bercakap dari kiri dan kanan, and you feel like a fool? Ianya agak overwhelming. And worse, jika nama disebut berkali-kali. I don't like being at the center of attention. Rasanya agak menyesakkan bagi aku. God knows how much i cried in the car after those meetings, how much sweat i shed everytime i contemplate whether to stay at my workspace or duduk dan join sesi berbual. I hate those feelings, and i hate myself...


People be like.. 

cuba belajar bercakap.

kau tak boleh macam ni, you have to do this and that

dia tu sombong, bukannya nak bercampur


i. know. it. very. well.

Bukan aku tak cuba, setiap hari aku akan cari whatever alasan untuk masuk ke office mereka and naturally berbual. Kalau ada 3 benda untuk diselesaikan dengan sesiapa, aku cuba untuk buat satu sahaja, simpan lagi dua untuk esok dan seterusnya.

Dan selepas segala kerisauan dan percubaan yang tiada siapa tahu, tetap juga dicop sombong dan kurang adab. 


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And phone call? 

Asdfghjkl whatsapp kan ada... 

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I'm sad. As much as i want to be normal like everyone else, I can't.